You're completely useless in the revolution.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
