Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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