I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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