remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize