I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
