I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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