but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize