So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
