broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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