I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
