I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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