I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
