I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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