Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
