You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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