i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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