she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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