Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
