Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
