After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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