I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
