I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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