so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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