Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
