I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
