oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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