I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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