I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
