This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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