Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
