3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
