How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
