Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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