I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i've created a new STD.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
