Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm just crazy horny about you
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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