I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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