if i can run in heels then i can drive
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
