A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
