Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
