Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
