I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
