I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
