Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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