Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize