his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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