Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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