fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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