Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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