seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
