You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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