how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize