She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dear god my vagina.
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