My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My penis needs a shock collar
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
