rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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