between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
