I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
