everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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