i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
