I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
