apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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