if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
