Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
